How to spend less on divorce - 3 tips
This is the most recent research I’ve found on the cost of divorce:
the average cost of a high conflict divorce in which each spouse hires a lawyer to represent them is slightly more than $54,000 per person.
the average cost of a high conflict divorce in which the spouses work with a mediator is slightly more than $31,000 per person.
If severing the relationship and resolving the issues remains low conflict, the different between hiring a lawyer and a mediator is about $6,000 per person. This is about what each spouse will spend to get divorced when working with a mediator. When working with their own lawyers, the average cost is about $12,000 per person.
If you want to spend less than $30,000, keep reading. The tips are both easier and more difficult than you think. These three questions are how you start saving money during this process:
Do you want to be a victim or a CEO through this process?
How much you’re prepared to spend to end your marriage and get divorced?
Who can help you get divorced and remain within your budget?
Here’s a bit of an explanation about each one.
Do you want to be a victim or a CEO?
When government first transferred divorce from a legislative act to a court action, it was 1857. In order to get divorced, one spouse had to have done something blameworthy. Otherwise, the court would not end your marriage. If the blameworthy act was having sex with another person, that person’s name was published. It was there for everyone to read. The court process was designed to be difficult and shame-inducing.
It was also an era in which nearly everyone was a member of organized religion, usually Christianity in the British Empire and its former colonies. This meant marriage was a sacrament. Ending it was considered to be breaking a covenant with God. If you got divorced, you were going to hell. Heavy stuff, for a Christian, right?
Then there was the fact that the only decision the courts made was to end the marriage. There was no financial support, no sharing of property. Usually the property was owned by the husband. He got to keep it when the marriage ended and he was not obliged to pay money to his former wife to ensure she and the children had a safe place to live or food or the table.
Often the wife was victimized by the ending of a marriage.
I share these points to show the foundations of victimhood are real. They continue to impact how we view divorce today.
When we see ourselves as victims, we lose our power and follow advice that we know, in our guts, won’t work for us. Victimhood is no longer required in divorce. That’s an outdated, 19th century model. Now you have a choice in how you face divorce.
The truth is: the experts you work with will never meet your children. They won’t care that the farm has been in your family for four generations. The judge will only ever see you in the courtroom. The only time she will listen to you is when you testify in court. She’ll never hear your stories or ask about what is most important for you and your family. She will only want to hear about the legal issues.
You’re more than a series of legal issues. So are your children.
If you can see divorce as a life event instead of as a series of legal issues, you’ll remember you’re the expert - the CEO - of your family. You’ll be able to make better decisions. This will save you money.
I know. My lawyer tried to convince me to add a paragraph about custody in my separation agreement. I knew if I did that, we’d be fighting in court for five years, spending tens of thousands of dollars. I followed my instincts, saved money, and created a better outcome for me and my children.
You can too. It starts with you remembered you are the CEO of your family. As such, you decide what is best for you and your family.
How much are you prepared to spend to end your marriage and get divorced?
Would you walk into a car lot, and let the salesperson choose your vehicle, without any discussion of the amount you want to spend, or what you can afford for monthly payments? Essentially, this is what you do when you hire a lawyer at the start of the divorce process.
You know what the lawyer charges per hour. You have no idea what the final bill will be. You’ll be charged for 6 minutes, regardless of whether it takes the lawyer 1 minute to read an email you’ve sent. It adds up.
One court application (say, to get a court order for child support, possession of the family home, or to determine parenting time) costs a minimum of $10,000. That’s about the cost for a one-day trial. There are many little steps, and they add up.
There’s also the cost that occurs when your former spouse hides assets or refuses to share his or her financial information. One woman I spoke with said she’d spent $50,000 in legal fees in the first year and the only result was the divorce action had been started and there had been a few letters exchanged. All the “little” bits of communication add up.
In determining what is an appropriate amount, you’ll need to consider all the elements. If you own no property and don’t have any pensions, and if your kids are grown, and if you and your former spouse remain friends, you can spend as little as $2,000 in total. This is if you do it yourselves.
In terms of a realistic amount to spend, start with a $6,000 budget per person. Anything else, and you’re going to end up being unhappy with the results. I know. I’ve spoken to people who wanted to get it done as soon as possible and who hired a lawyer to prepare a separation agreement for $1,500. Very soon afterwards, there’s always a problem. Once there’s a separation agreement, it’s very difficult to solve.
Better to budget a reasonable amount - $6,000 - $10,000 per person, at a minimum - and avoid surprises and bills that are out of control. If it’s complicated at all, $20,000 is more reasonable.
(and if this leaves you feeling queasy, how much did you spend on your wedding?. It’s worth thinking about). Divorce is either an expense or an investment in your future. You decide, just like you did when you got married.
Setting a budget also has the benefit of helping you make better decisions around what you do and what you argue about, instead of blindly trusting your lawyer who most likely doesn’t know what is important to you.
For example, I see a lot of people in Facebook divorce groups who spend thousands of dollars because their former spouses have hidden assets. The law (in Canadian provinces) says assets are to be shared equally. In some jurisdictions, it speaks to a fair or equitable division. A lawyer’s job is to be a zealous advocate for the client. That means pursing the legal issue, without considering if it is a cost-effective decision for the client. In other words, a lawyer may spend more time on an issue without any corresponding financial benefit for the client. It could make better sense to drop an issue instead of litigating it.
Knowing this, and having a budget, empowers you to ask your lawyer or advisor, “what will this cost me? What is the potential financial benefit of taking this action?” Ask these questions and save money.
Who can help you get divorced and remain within your budget?
Most people will tell you to hire a lawyer. This is the person you think of when you think about divorce, right? That you need a lawyer to protect your rights.
A lawyer is just one divorce professional who can provide guidance during divorce.
However, you have options. Different professionals impact your budget. If saving money is important to you, you need to understand the people who can help you, and who best suits your needs and budget. Otherwise (if you hire a lawyer immediately, without any thought), you’re likely to spend more than you want to, and feel like a victim.
The others are:
mediator
arbitrator
divorce financial specialist
divorce coach
divorce group program
therapist
Next to lawyers, mediator have been around the longest. Thus, one often hears of them. Some lawyers are like lawyers and bill hourly. Others (like me) offer packages so families know what the expense will be.
I see advice in FB divorce groups to this effect: your spouse is a narcissist, you’re going to need a lawyer anyway, so start there. Mediation is a waste of time.
If mediators were a waste of time in high-conflict divorce, the average cost per person wouldn’t be $23,000 LESS than if you hired a lawyer.
It’s like playing baseball. You don’t need to hit a homerun with the bases loaded for mediation to be a success. Even if you resolve one or two issues, you’ve saved money. It’s like getting a bunt to get on first base.
The other way mediators help you save money is that you and your spouse decide what to talk about, and decide what to do. It fits with you being the CEO. I’ve seen this be very effective with clients, even when one of the spouses is a narcissist.
As to arbitrators, they are like “court-light”. In other words, a legally trained person acts as a judge, takes evidence from you and your spouse, and then decides what to do. You’re still represented by lawyers. The difference is that the decision remains private. It is less adversarial than court, without interim applications. This reduces expenditures.
A divorce financial specialist works with you and with other divorce professionals. The role of the CDFA is to review your property and calculate how it will appreciate and depreciate in time. This ensures a fairer division.
A divorce coach or consultant works with one spouse to support you during the process. They charge a flat fee, so you know what you will be spending.
She might advise a client, as I have done, to discover where her spouse keeps his financial documents, and to make copies. She might go to the lawyer with you. Or, she might help you negotiate the dispute. For example, a client had worked with a lawyer for three years before coming to me. Within six months, we had identified what was most likely to happen if he went to court, worked with his lawyer to identify negotiaion numbers, and with my support, he negotiated a settlement directly with his spouse. It was very close to the best he would have done if they had argued it in court. Had he followed the traditional approach, it would have been at least one more year of communicating through lawyers and a trial. He saved at least $30,000. His lawyer then wrote the agreement and worked to get it signed.
Then there was the woman who came to me, wanting to divorce. She was in tears and didn’t know where to start. We worked together. She went through cycles of reconciliation and break ups. When she made the final decision, she was at peace. He accepted the state of their relationship ending. They avoided going to court or hiring lawyers. If she’d gone to a lawyer at the start, they would have spent thousands.
If you’d like to learn more about working with me as a divorce coach, whether you’re starting the process or have been working with a lawyer for a year or more, book a free consultation so we can discuss what this would look like, and how it could save you money.
The other professional I recommend people work with is a therapist or counsellor. Divorce is pain. It’s a loss. There is grief. Recogonizing that and getting support lead to better decisions, which in turn saves money.
Yet the best support I’ve ever seen for saving money in divorce is joining a facilitated divorce community. One of the worst things about divorce, other than feeling like a failure, is feeling alone. Being part of a community, one that is facilitated to create a sense of true belonging, makes all the difference. It inflates the CEO muscles. It’s harder to see oneself as a victim. And most importantly, from a money perspective, you’ll have the opportunity to bounce ideas and possibilities off of other women who know. They may have already been where you are now, and they can offer excellent advice and guidance.
A divorce community may seem like an extra expense. After all, the usual thought, when you’re stuck in victimhood and fear, is “I already have to hire a lawyer and a mediator … I can’t afford anyone else …
However, the reality is, joining a facilitated divorce community will save you money. You won’t be paying your lawyer thousands of dollars to listen to you vent about your situation, and to raise information that doesn’t matter to the legal issues. If you do this for three hours, that will cost you $1,200 or more.
I used to have clients spend much more than three hours doing this. There would be a phone call about something a spouse had done. It would last 30 minutes. I would be expected to write a letter to the other lawyer. Then a response. Which I would discuss with my client. Another 20 minute discussion …
Wouldn’t it be better to discuss this with women who understand, first? So you can figure out what is most important, and limit the discussions with your lawyer to that point?
Seriously, this is how joining a faciliated divorce community will save you money.
Then there’s also the likelihood of having a place to discuss all the options other than court. I remember one client, telling me that her lawyer wanted them to meet with a judge. I asked if he had used the words “pre-trial conference”. She said he had. I explained to her that a pre-trial was the last step before a trial. If they couldn’t settle at pre-trial, trial was the only place to go. Then I asked if she wanted to go to trial. She said no. I helped her figure out questions to ask her lawyer, to arrive at different options. A few years later, they settled in mediation. Doing this saved her thousands of dollars.
Joining such a community, or a divorce coach, save you money. It’s about loving you and your children enough to see it as an investment, one that saves money in the long term and leads to a better resolution.
Which professional appeals to you most? This is when you begin to be the CEO of your family. Which one is the best investment?
Is it a lawyer? A mediator who offers packages? An arbitrator with a lawyer? A divorce coach or financial professional? What about a facilitated divorce community? Is it a combination?
Follow your instincts, not your fears. You’ll be surprised at the good results this will create for you, as you save money and create results that work best for you and for your children.
To learn more about working with me … it could be as little as a 45-minute consultation … book a free call now.