27 Ways Parents Harm Children
We love our children. Often we stay married, thinking divorce will harm our children. Yet we may be harming them without realizing it.
Sometimes our feelings towards the other parent bubble out, and not in a good way. It’s called “triangulation” and it leaves children feeling caught in the middle. This can lead to behavioural and academic problems for them.
It doesn’t matter if parents live in the same home or if they are divorced. Triangulation harms your kids. Since no parent wants this to happen, I’m sharing information so you can assess if there’s a problem in your family.
Have you ever heard yourself or had your child tell you the other parent made one of these statements about you?
Telling your child, “Your dad is such a c^%t.”
Asking a six-year old where they want to live.
When your child asks if you are friends with the other parent, vehemently saying, “We’re not friends. We never will be.”
Telling the children that dad is having an affair.
Telling your children, “You have a bad mommy.”
Telling your children, “Mommy’s keeping you from me.”
Saying, “Let’s keep this a secret from mommy.”
When asked to sign a legal agreement that formalizes how the parents have been handling child support, saying, “It’s not in my best interests to sign this.”
Speaking to the other parent on speaker phone in the car, and one of the parents swearing at the other parent.
Telling your children, “Your mom wreaked our family.”
Threatening the other parent.
The police needing to be called during the parenting exchange.
Telling the child, “I can give you a better life than your other parent.”
When a child says, “I don’t want to go to dad’s/mom’s”, keeping the child away, before asking the other parent what is going on.
Telling the children when you’re taking the other parent to court.
Telling the children what the other parent has done wrong.
Withholding affection from a child if the child has a relationship with the other parent.
Parents who don’t say hello to each other when they exchange the children.
At a child’s softball game, mom sits in the stands and dad watches from the outfield.
When a child asks dad to attend a counselling session with her, telling the child, “Your mom put you up to this.”
Saying, “daddy’s not a good parent. He takes too many risks.”
Parents who don’t attend parent-teacher conferences together.
Telling the children, “Your dad hurt me.”
Saying things like, “I don’t understand why your dad is always late. He’s so inconsiderate.”
Refusing to share financial documents with mom, and telling her - in front of the children - that she doesn’t deserve anything.
Saying nasty things about members of the other parent’s extended family, such as their grandparents or aunts and uncles.
You’re acting like your dad! That type of behaviour isn’t tolerated in this house.
Some of these examples occur after parents separate. Others can occur while the parents remain living together.
Do you recognize any?
If you do (don’t feel badly, when I was in the thick of things with my former spouse, I didn’t have many charitable thoughts about him, and can remember chastising my son with 27), you’re normal. Yet this doesn’t need to stay your normal.
We do the best we can with the information we have at that moment. When we know better, we do better.
If you want to do better and recognize some help could make this transition easier, I’d love to help. Schedule a free consultation, and let’s see if we’re a fit.