An Unpopular Opinion: the other
When you experience conflict, how do you react and respond to the other person: as a friend, neutral or enemy? If you’re like me, your default is to see the other as enemy. After all, we live in the era of cancel-culture.
I’ve been exploring this the last month or so, in the context of the mediation work I do for government.
The situations I’m assigned there are extremely challenging, to the extent that sometimes it takes me up to two days to recover from a session. During that time, I’m not capable of working on anything.
As you might imagine, this is problematic for me from a financial perspective.
Yet at the same time, I enjoy the camaraderie I feel with the staff and other contract mediators.
In other words, I’ve been conflicted about the contract work I do for them.
As I’ve leaned towards ending my association with government, my mind has begun reinforcing all the negative elements of this relationship. I’ve thought:
I’m not being adequately compensated for the degree of difficulty I’m dealing with;
Why do I get assigned all the tough files? I bet they’re giving less experienced mediators easy files, and they get paid the same as me;
It’s awkward to have to use a different computer for this work;
The screen on the government computer makes this work too difficult, what with the issues I have with my eyes;
What do you mean I have to sort my invoices by file number as well as date? Why are you increasing my admin workload?
I don’t have time for a two-day retreat!
In other words, I’m looking for reasons to end the relationship, reasons that demean them. If I get mad enough at them, I can do it!
Can you relate? Have you ever done this?
Is this healthy?
What happens when we turn the other person in a relationship into the “other” or a villain?
When I’ve done this, I’ve remained a victim. Sometimes my victimhood status has lasted for years.
Doing so, I’ve fooled myself and have been the source of my own misery.
In reality, we don’t control the other person or entity. I said yes to working for government knowing the pay scale. I agreed to it! Now I’m trying to re-write history, to justify my current position.
This is a path to more hurt and upset.
The good news is that this time, I see my pattern for what it is. Growth! It’s not comfortable yet it’s healthy.
Is there a relationship in your life where you’re turning the other person into the Other with a capital “O”? In other words, the version you’re sharing with yourself and perhaps with your family and friends paints the other person as the villain?
If you see this in you, here’s the strategy I use to turn it around.
I ask myself one of these two questions:
What can I learn from this person/ situation?
What is this person / situation here to teach me?
With this, I become curious. When I’m curious, I see things more clearly and make better decisions.
And the good thing? I don’t burn up relationships. We may not be as close as we once were, but the friction is gone. I can move forward with ease. So can the other person or entity.
I asked myself these questions and learned something interesting.
With my government contract, I’m seeing how I agreed to work with government for a low rate, because I didn’t really trust myself. I didn’t think I could create a viable mediation practice without working for government. I have, and the government work is a way to keep me anchored in an old view I had of me. It’s time to release it.
This feels far more positive and expansive.
Instead of me against you, the situation becomes me and you being different. And different is okay.
Try it. You’ve got nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Drop me a line in an email and let me know how it goes.
If you’d like to try it and can’t imagine how to start, let’s connect to see if I can help.