Should I Stay or Go?
How Do I Know?
Stay in my marriage, or divorce? That is the question. Or is it?
According to Annie Duke in her book Quit, we’re asking the wrong questions. We’re venting about our situation, and this is keeping us stuck. We’re dreaming our partner will change, or becoming addicted to the trauma story without even seeing this for what it is.
After all, the human brain is wired to have us believe that whatever is familiar is safe. This helps to explain why we stay in abusive relationships, or remain married to narcissists.
Then there is sunk-cost-bias. This is a psychological term that is another reason why we stay in unhealthy spaces.
When I was in university, my best friend was complaining about her boyfriend. “He doesn’t get me! He never listens to what I say.” grumble grumble grumble.
I asked her why she didn’t dump him.
Her response: “I can’t! I’ve invested 18 months into this relationship!”
That was the sunk-cost-bias at work. Because she had invested time in the relationship, her brain would have her believe that she would lose something valuable by calling it quits.
They got married. Then came divorce.
Sunk-cost-bias didn’t save the relationship. It merely prolonged the pain.
I’ve spoken about my friend. Yet her story is my story. It might even be yours.
Here’s how Annie Duke would have us address the should I stay or should I go dilemma. Ask yourself two questions:
If I stay in this relationship, what is the probability that in one year … [x, which is the outcome you want]?
If I leave this relationship, what is the probability that in one year … [x, which is the outcome you want]?
Let’s use my friend’s example a little more, to illustrate what these questions mean:
If I stay in this relationship, what is the probability that in one year my partner will get me and will listen to what I say?
If I end this relationship, what is the probability that in one year I’ll have a partner who will get me and who will listen to what I say?
People don’t usually change their behaviour unless they want to. This means that likely the probability that in one year her existing partner would get what she said and would listen to her, would be zero or at best 10%. Most likely, if she had ended the relationship then, the probability would have been greater that she’d have a partner who listened to her if she had a new partner.
How does this apply to you? Let’s say your partner is a narcissist. Instead of complaining about the narcissist’s behaviour, and how this is abusive(which changes nothing, except to perpetuate sunk-cost-bias with your brain telling you you’re safe), you could ask yourself the following questions:
If I’m still in this relationship a year from now, what is the probability that I or my children will be subjected to daily, or at least weekly, emotional abuse?
If I leave this relationship, what is the probability that, one year from now, I or my children will be subjected to daily, or at least weekly, emotional abuse?
Then ask yourself, “Do I want to continue to be abused?” If you leave the relationship, the probability of abuse is less.
It’s all about thinking differently, so you can create better results for you.
Any if you’re thinking that leaving will create more problems and more abuse, you don’t have to divorce like everyone else. I work with people who are married to narcissists, and they peacefully figure out how to end the relationship and move on. To find out if this result might be possible for your family, I’ve created a set of questions for you to answer. It’s called the Divorce With Love Quiz, and it’s free.
Of if you’d like to learn more about these questions and your decision, I offer a free fair & family-focused divorce consult.
What do you think? Is it time to stay, or go?