How to Really Love a Child During Divorce
Tell them again and again that the separation / divorce is not their fault.
Don't make the child your confidante. If you don't have a friend who can act in this role, start seeing a professional who can help or find a group to join to discuss what’s happening.
Tell them to enjoy themselves when it’s time for them to be parented by their other parent.
Follow the advice of Bambi’s mom: If you can't say anything nice about the other parent, don't say anything at all.
Unless they’re at least 15, don't ask them where they want to live.
Don't talk about the legal process or mediation in their hearing. Even if they’re in another room, they’ll hear you. Find a safe space and community in which to share what’s happening. Then you’ll be less likely to speak about this in front of your child.
Avoid going to court like the plague. Conflict harms children.
Give your child lots of hugs.
Notice when your child does something right, and let them know.
Be active with them everyday when you're together. Active does not mean each of you looking at a screen. It means doing something active together, such as going for a walk, doing dishes, reading a story, playing catch, playing make-believe in boxes.
Make your home a violence-free zone. Yelling is a form of violence as much as physical assault.
When you lose your temper with your child (it happens, you’re going through a lot), apologize as soon as possible.
If you're suffering from mental health challenges, get help. Even if you think you’re hiding this, your child will know something is wrong and they’ll worry about you.
Act in ways so your child can have the best relationship possible with their other parent. This way, divorce becomes a gift.
Expect that they're going to act out. This is part of their processing.
Tell your child you love them, again and again.
Be the example of kindness your child is longing to see in the world.
Stop blaming your former spouse. Since you can't change the past, the only thing that does is anchor you and your child in the energy of blame and shame.
Every day when you parent, sit down at the table and share a screen-free meal with your child.
Create new traditions. For example, every Saturday night, my children and I would lie in bed, listen to CBC’s radio program "Vinyl Tap", and have a dance party.
Demonstrate through your actions and words that the other parent is not your enemy, even when you can't stand to be in the same room as them. In other words, accept there are times when you’ll need to pull on your adult underwear and act against your own interests to benefit your child.
Set a goal for the life you want for you and your child. In other words, instead of seeing separation and divorce as a tragedy, see it as an opportunity for transformation to healing and peace.
Create new and more positive communication patterns with the other parent. Sometimes this means working with a mediator.
Don't try to numb your pain with alcohol or drugs. Find people who understand what you’re going through and connect with them.
If you feel stuck and want something better for your child, find a professional or group who can help you be the best parent possible to your child during this time of transition. A good way to explore how I help individuals - privately and in groups - schedule a complimentary call.