Negotiating with a Narcissist: top 11 strategies
Before getting to the top 11 strategies for negotiating with a narcissist that I have used in my divorce practice, there are four things you need to understand and accept first. These are things you can’t change.
1. If you go head-to-head with a narcissist and use a conventional approach to divorce negotiation – be that a split the difference or the interest-based approach – you’ll lose. It won’t be a gentle loss, either. It will be an annihilation. You’ll be left reeling for years.
This is what I saw as a lawyer and judge of landlord and tenant disputes, and it’s what I experienced those many years with my dad before I learned to let go. The conventional approach may leave you confused, depressed and anxious. Is that what you want?
2. The legal system won’t save you or ensure you get a fair outcome.
It’s not designed to. It is designed to apply a set of legal rules and principles to legal issues arising from you divorce. The legal system is based on the foundational concept that everyone tells the truth when they swear they have done so. This is especially true when a person appears to be reasonable and helpful.
Think about how the narcissist in your life appears to strangers and acquaintances. If they’re well liked and respected by others, court will be a problem. Is your narcissist convincing? If yes, then negotiating before court is a good strategy.
3. Your narcissist isn’t going to change and start to be reasonable.
We all think the narcissist will be different when we no longer live together. This fact changes nothing. Your narcissist is who they are, independent of you. They’re going to keep acting the way they always have. Accept this and negotiations will be easier. Your life will be easier too. Once this happens, their behaviour surprises and hurts you less.
4. Narcissists need to win during negotiations.
It is vital for them to beat you and to come out on top. This doesn’t mean giving up before you start.
It means being like the willow. In judo when discussing a response to force, they compare it to trees. A poplar tree is going to stand tall against the wind until it is ripped out at the roots. It topples because it can’t withstand the force. Conversely, a willow bends with the wind. It survives. The strategies I’m about to share enable you to act like the willow. Once the force ends, you remain upright. They’re about how both of you can win.
If you question these foundations, you’ll have problems and likely will find negotiatons and divorce to be traumatizing. They could even be a disaster. Practice acceptance, then turn to the strategies. Read them. If you can’t see how you can use them (after living with a narcissist, you’ll be doubting yourself and your judgement), schedule a free consultation or consider joining a group to get support from others sharing your experience.
The 11 Strategies for Negotiating with a Narcissist:
Here is a list of the 11 strategies for successfully negotiating with a narcissist:
Take control of the dialogue.
Don’t respond immediately. Silence is your friend.
Know the facts and the applicable law before starting negotiations.
Don’t let yourself be bullied if the law supports what you want to happen.
Let the narcissist think they’ve won.
Never start with your “line in the sand” when negotiating with a narcissist.
Always share how something will benefit the narcissist.
When making written offers, include a few typographical and small factual errors.
Negotiation isn’t “one and done”. Plan for more than one session.
Be prepared to go to court. It isn’t always the worst outcome.
Work with a professional who understands narcissists and negotiation.
This is some more detail about each one, which some might call guerilla tactics. Whatever word you use, some or all of them can be effective in shifting the discussion to create fairer results with less trauma.
1. Take control of the dialogue.
In other words, never respond directly to their questions or statements. If you let them set the conversation, you’ll be drawn down a rabbit hole and will not be able to see straight. You’ll be on edge and negotiations will turn into a gong show.
If you’re wondering what I mean, here’s a conversation I recently had with a narcissist about a comment an old friend posted on FB (I never saw the original post, only the comment was shared with me). I responded with “face plant moment” then received this:
Them: “As a former lawyer, I’m sure you recognize it for what it is.” [designed to throw me off and think I’d missed something. I didn’t see anything legal in the original post. They likely were expecting me to ask, “what do you mean?”]
Me: “He’s 82, a product of his upbringing and ancestral trauma. One can choose to be offended, or one can remember that loving someone does not mean you have to share their opinions or like everything they do. Me, I recognize he could die any time, and am taking the opportunity to practice acceptance and my healing.” [note I don’t respond directly. I’m trying to diffuse]
Them: “I am sad for you, Kim. Healing will not come from making excuses for hate speech. What are YOU teaching your children?” [trying to draw me in to a discussion about what is and isn’t hate speech – the original post didn’t meet the test BTW. Lots of manipulatory language here, intended to suck me in and have them in control].
2. Don’t respond immediately. Silence is your friend.
Use silence (it’s a great weapon that narcissists hate) or say something like, “That’s an interesting perspective, one I haven’t thought of before. I want to think about it before I respond.”
In the example shared with #1, I didn’t respond to their last statement. I wanted to blast them. I waited. When I looked at our conversation, I realized my earlier response said all that was needed. I stayed silent. A narcissist can’t suck you in if you refuse to engage.
3. Know the facts and the applicable law before starting negotiations.
For example, let’s say there’s a couple with a pre-school age daughter. One of the parents claims the daughter has said she’s afraid of the other parent and thus shouldn’t live with that parent. Several very convincing facts were raised. The other parent had spoken with a lawyer before mediation and had been advised that a court would most likely order shared parenting. Having this information, the second parent could confidently stand firm and negotiate for shared parenting.
4. Don’t let yourself be bullied if the law supports what you want to happen.
If a court isn’t likely to order that outcome, why agree to it? Even if this has been your pattern – the narcissist goes on and on and finally you agree to get some peace – break the pattern. Behave differently.
You might ask, “why should I agree to this when my lawyer told me the court will likely order …? or “how can I accept this when my lawyer has told me not to agree to this?” These questions can keep negotiations open.
This is also true when the narcissist yells at you or does something like crushing a coffee cup. Keep your cool. If necessary say something like, “I’d really like us to successfully negotiate this. Wouldn’t you?” or “I guess you’re saying it’s time to take a break” and walk away.
5. Let the narcissist think they’ve won.
Before starting negotiations, be very clear about what winning looks like for you, and what your one most important issue is.
Think about things that are important to the narcissist, even the ones you don’t care about. Raise issues that are important to the narcissist and unimportant to you.
Hide your most important issue in the middle of a number of issues that matter to the narcissist. Don’t give in to the narcissist. Have reasons why you want compromise on the things that are important to the narcissist. Discuss these, rigorously. Then, when you capitulate, you’ve actually lost nothing and the narcissist thinks they’ve won.
Examples might be a piece of art you bought together, a vintage car, his guitar, the family cottage … whatever it takes.
This approach also means there will be less time and attention for the issue most important to you.
6. Never start with your “line in the sand” when negotiating with a narcissist.
Remember, the narcissist needs to win. This means making you take less than your original position. Make the number more than you want.
For example, if you live in a jurisdiction where family property is shared equally and there is $8,000,000 in property and your research shows that $2,000,000 is the amount that will satisfy your future needs, don’t start asking for $2,000,000. Start asking for $4,000,000. Then you’ll both be happy when you settle at you receiving $2,000,000.
7. Always share how something will benefit the narcissist.
Take time to walk in the narcissist’s shoes. How does this benefit the narcissist? How does getting this make you lesser than, in the narcissist’s eyes. You know you’re not really lesser than. You can play the game though to get what you want.
It’s important for them to know you’re subservient to them. You aren’t really. You and I both know that. However, if you can see the benefits for them and express them, negotiations become easier.
8. When making written offers, include a few typographical and small factual errors.
This gives the narcissist a place to belittle you. The likelihood of successful negotiations increases when they have the opportunity to do so. They diminish you, and elevate themselves. The narcissist can point out the errors. Thank them for pointing them out, and then start into the substantive issues. It also means the narcissist is less likely to fight as hard on the issues that matter to you.
9. Negotiation isn’t “one and done”. Plan for more than one session.
Forget about negotiating everything in one sitting. If you try to push things through, you, the narcissist or both of you will not follow through with some of the commitments. Plan for more than one discussion.
Also, if the discussion is getting heated, negotiations will break down.
Before you start, negotiate with the narcissist that discussions will last for a suggested range of time, and that either of you can terminate the discussion sooner if it’s getting heated or if you’re not making any progress. Do not suggest a time at the upper end that is more than you want to spend with the narcissist. I suggest a range of 30 – 120 minutes. However, that is up to you.
10. Court isn’t always the worst outcome.
If the narcissist won’t move from their position on an important issue and you’ve been advised that most likely the court will make an order that’s better for you, go to court. You have nothing to lose.
11. Work with a professional who understands narcissists and negotiation.
When you consider the outcome you’re creating, itt isn’t an expense; it’s an investment. Not only will you negotiate a deal that’s better for you than if you approached this conventionally and possibly save money on legal fees, you won’t be suffering from PTSD for years. You’ll be moving forward with your life. Even if you go to court, you’ll understand why and will be creating your own narrative. In other words, the manipulation and gaslighting won’t have the same effect as in the past. You’ll be on your way to freedom.
If you’d like to explore having me support you in negotiating with your narcissist, book your free 15-minute Fair and Family Focused Divorce Consult now.